Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Should I stay the way I am or change?
I come from a very small island nation in the Pacific called Palau. Ever since I became a teenager I became ver depressed, secluded and felt like I didn't fit in with any group because I was so different from everybody else. I'm very mature, kind, caring, open minded,free spirited and very very shy. I talk a lot about different things and issues that sometimes people say that I'm weird because I'm so random. I know that I am. I'm very passionate about important things such as art, history, politics, culture, human rights, international relations, etc.... I gave up on video games and cartoons at a very young age. I watch and read the news, but I do like action, comedy and horror shows, movies and books. I don't know how I turned out so mature than the rest of my peers. I have very eclectic way of thinking that not many people understand me. I get very good grades and I know many things most teens my age or even adults have no clue about for example, the capital of North Korea, which is Pyongyang or the name of the secretary general of the United Nations, which is Ban Ki Moon. In my country I felt so different from my own people because I have a very different way of thinking than most of them. I felt like a loner in my own society, my own motherland. I came to Virginia last year to finish the rest of my high school years and I thought I'd be able to blend in well with the people here. I thought I'd be accepted and understood for the way I am but I was wrong. I have made good friends here, whom I share limited interests with and they too think I'm very random, weird, mature and too serious. They're all I got for friends and they're very nice but I just don't share any of their interests like anime and games. Because I don't share the same interests as they, I just feel like I don't fit in. Most of the time I would go mute when I'm with them because they talk about cartoons and anime and I don't even have a clue what they are talking about because I don't watch or read any of them so they would tell me to talk and I would just talk about other things I'm interested about and they would not understand what and why I would talk about those things. I don't want to lose the friends I have made here because they're all I have and they're really nice but I just don't know! I socialize and associate with people older than me better than I do with kids my age. I'm 17 by the way. So I'm very weird and random I know that. I thought coming here I'd finally feel accepted and feel a sense of belonging but I was wrong. I don't where and when will I feel accepted. I don't know how to stop my randomness and my seriousness. I try so hard to fit in that it's frustrating and depressing. I'm a guy but it hurts to hear people say "you're weird!" I just hide my anger and feelings of dispair until I go home and just hit the bed and forget about the whole day. My room and specifically my bed is my place of refuge. It's where I can express it all out. It's where I feel free and expressive. It's my safe zone. Now I know this is where most depressed people feel most comfortable at. It really goes to show how I'm so isolated. I'm just tired of my life. I don't want to comitt suicide because that's stupid but I wish I could go on a long sleep and forget about everything when I wake up after.
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